life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Randomize
