So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Randomize
