i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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