I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Randomize
