Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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