so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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