So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
