Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
