Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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