she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
