I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
