I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
So squirting runs in the family.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
