I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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