You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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