Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
