i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Text me some of your sweat
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
