final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize