I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
