I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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