Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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