plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Randomize
