your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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