If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
