You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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