We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
