so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
My vagina is officially offended.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
