we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
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