I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
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