His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
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