New invention idea: vibrating tampons
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
