My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
