I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Randomize
