Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
