I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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