wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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