I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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