i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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