I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
