you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
