my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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