mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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