I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
