I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
