No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Randomize
