I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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