i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
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