So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
