Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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