he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
