He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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