One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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