please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
