My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
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Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
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I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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