you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
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i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
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He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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