If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
