M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
