Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
the raccoons are back...
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