I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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