I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
